Sajad Farooq Rather delves on the importance of placing one’s career over a romantic relationship

Marriages are not a new thing in Indian society. It has been practiced for centuries but the instances of love marriage in India are still low. Love, in its romantic dimension, is a fine game of opposites. The process involved in falling in love is often as violent as it is pleasant, as delicious as it is terrifying. Usually, everyone experiences love during teenage years. Everyone loves being loved.  Love adds richness and happiness to our lives. It makes us feel important, understand and secure. It provides us with a chance to discover our own-selves as we share it with someone new. We also learn things — to love ourselves, things we did like to change and about the qualities and values we look for in a partner.

People live with thousand dreams and hopes in their eyes and in hearts. Many among these dreams and hopes come crashing down at the time of encounter with reality. Some just hang on to meet the expectations from loved ones, some are fortunate enough to find more than their expectations. English psychoanalyst Adam Phillips has spoken with notable clarity on the paradoxical nature of love that, all love stories are frustration stories…

To fall in love is to be reminded of a frustration that you didn’t know you had (of one’s formative frustrations, and of one’s attempted self-cures for them); you wanted someone, you felt deprived of something, and then it seems to be there. And what is renewed in that experience is an intensity of frustration, and an intensity of satisfaction.

People with poor relationships are more likely to suffer from depression, and loneliness is powerful enough to weaken our immune system. Their blood pressure rises, and they suffer emotionally.  That affects their body. There is also a link between physical and mental health and sexuality. It’s really important in any relationship to understand your significant other’s point of view. It’s not easy to listen, but understanding you both have a perspective and that there is no “right answer” to a conflict is important. Be willing to compromise.

One of the ways to nurture healthy relationships is to practice gratitude. Expressing gratitude toward a partner can boost positivity for both parties. Relationships are hard work. You need to invest time in them. Make an effort to spend time together, accept one another, practice forgiveness and allow ourselves to be vulnerable. Sometimes we work so hard to protect ourselves, but opening up to a person is key to developing a deep and intimate relationship.

 Depression and anxiety often go hand in hand. So it makes sense that relationships can affect depression in similarly complex ways. On the one hand, some studies have found that long-term relationships and marriage, specifically can ease symptoms in people with a history of depression. On the other hand, fraught relationships have been shown to dramatically increase the risk of clinical depression.

Research shows that strong partnerships can help us avoid illness, adopt healthier habits, and even live longer. On the other hand, troubled relationships tend to breed stress and weaken immunity. Most students do not know how to balance love and studying. However, there are some young couples that know how to manage both study and love. This is because for youngsters, especially if this is their first experience, falling in love is a new feeling and it can be very overwhelming.

It’s a beautiful feeling and I’m not denying it. Some would say that once you start getting the gist of love, you will get addicted to it. We can see many youth indulging in romantic relationship where breakups, matchups are common. The teens have the false belief that they will get most happiness if they will be able to marry his or her girlfriend or boyfriend.

But the fact is that they are just trapped in a vicious circle. A girl commits suicide just because she could not marry the guy she wanted, while that guy for sure will fall in love with another girl again. So, sacrificing a beautiful life just for a romantic relationship is a blunder. Instead, they should focus on their career, how they can perform their best in everything they do. Being in love is not a bad thing. It’s just that teenage is not the right age to fall in love. Teenagers should not be allowed to date as there are more disadvantages in teenage love relationship than advantages. I have seen many teenagers blindly fall in love and then face the consequences later. Most teenagers do not act sensibly as they are immature and do not have knowledge of right and wrong. This sometimes leads to wrong activities and decisions.

So you have to focus as much as possible on a career to make yourself competitive today because if you are not doing it, someone else will. If it means working unpaid internships during the day and server jobs in the evening, there is no need to complicate your already non-existent schedule with a relationship. This is the time where young persons are most free to travel the world and to do such other thing by which society and parents will feel proud. Let students be students and not a love machine. You should concentrate with studying, hang out with friends and indulging in sport. There are countless things that you can do when you are still a student. Do not waste your youth being in commitment with a partner. That can wait. You can have that when you are all grown up. For now, enjoy being kids because trust me, once you are all grown up, you are definitely going miss being a kid. Let time flow the way it should be and when the time is right, you will find someone special that will sweep you off your feet.

Allowing yourself to feel your feelings is one of the most empowering things you can do to improve your relationship with yourself! And when you appreciate and honour yourself, you are much more equipped to make wise choices about your relationships.

The national capital witnessed the highest number of suicides over ‘love affairs’ among 55 cities, according to a report of the National Crime Records Bureau (NCRB), which analysed data on reported cases of suicides in these cities.

Delhi also recorded the second-highest number of suicides due to ‘dowry-related issues’. Suicides over ‘love affairs’ accounted for 3.2 percent of the total number of suicides in India, said the report.

India does not spend enough on mental health. Currently, it spends 0.06 percent of its health budget on mental health, which is less than Bangladesh (0.44 percent). Most developed nations spend above 4 percent of their budgets on mental-health research, infrastructure, frameworks and talent pool, according to a 2011 World Health Organisation (WHO) report.

Universities in India still lack counselling centres, where trained counsellors and psychologists can assist students at the onset of emotional and mental problems so they do not spiral into full-fledged clinical depression and lead to suicide.

The next time you are in front of a mirror, I encourage you to look into your eyes and say: “I believe in myself. Even though I am in a lot of pain, I allow myself to feel it because I know my feelings matter. I know I can free this pain by honouring it instead of avoiding it. Always remember that you have the strength and ability to turn your painful patterns into powerful perceptions…and that your life will get better and better when you do. Stay tuned for more mindful messages. Giving you helpful tips and exercises to improve the quality of your life and relationships, I strongly believe that teens should be discouraged from a romantic relationship. The only rational thing that they ought to do is to focus on their career and make their life meaningful by pursuing the purpose for which they were sent here on the earth. Each of us has a specific purpose and power of making our dreams come true lies within. Teenagers should maintain friendly relationships, but not romantic. Of course they can date so they will be good friends and can choose a good life partner when they are capable of in the future gaining experience of good and bad relation. But parents should also know about their child’s friendship and relationship to check unexpected physical relations or sexual violence.

In love marriages, individuals choose partners on their own, while in case of arranged marriages, partners are being chosen by the family. However, we all know that a great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences, be it love marriage or an arranged one. Always remember that all arranged marriages are not forced marriages.

(The author is the President of Kashmir Law Circle and can be reached at     


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